


Scars

by salvabon



Category: Cabin Pressure
Genre: Anxiety, Coming Out, Douglas Richardson was not good at studying medicine, Gen, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Trans!Martin, Unintentional Transphobia, accidental misgendering, autistic!martin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-10
Updated: 2019-03-10
Packaged: 2019-11-15 02:17:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18064673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/salvabon/pseuds/salvabon
Summary: Martin Crieff had never come out as trans to his coworkers, more out of anxiety than anything else.But when Douglas accidentally sees the scars on his chest, Martin is sure the charade is over or is it?





	Scars

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so the autisticness of Martin is not really explicit in this but he totally is (it was even word-of-goded) and I am autistic so that's the end of the discussion.  
> Also, I decided to ignore the canon on how nice Martin's family is for dramatic reasons (tm).

Martin had made sure to never remove his shirt in Douglas' presence. Or anyone's presence in fact. It wasn't that he was ashamed or anything like that. If anything he had stopped being ashamed in the last few years, but he kept it a secret anyways.  
He told himself it was none of their business, but he knew that was only half the truth. The rest of it was being scared. Scared of what they would think. Many people are still painfully ignorant and Martin knew best that even the people closest to you can turn out to be just that. And what they would say, especially Douglas, who was teasing him enough already.  
He didn't think Carolyn knew, all his documents had been changed accordingly and, and he isn't very proud of it, he didn't hand in any medical information about the transition when he applied to MJN. He hadn't lied, he had just left out some information. And it was true and correct that he was male, it was just that it had taken some time for society to accept that. It had been hard enough for Martin to find a job and to make friends and to make ends meet without any salary so he kept quiet about it and hoped no one would ever find out so everything could stay as it is.  
And then, in a small hotel room in New York, everything broke apart.  
Carolyn's budget had only been enough for the pilots to share one room, so Martin tried to change into his uniform while Douglas was occupying the bathroom. In all the time they had worked together this had always worked out somehow, except today he found an ugly blue stain on his shirt when he was halfway ready, tried to pull the shirt over his head again and was caught in it long enough for Douglas to walk out of the bathroom and see his top surgery scars, before he managed to free himself, turn around and get his backup shirt out of his luggage.  
In the ungraceful seconds all of this took, Martin saw Douglas glance down and not say anything, yet there was some kind of subtle shift in his facial expression. And then Douglas simply went on, and Martin hurried to get his belongings to get ready for their shuttle to the airport. Douglas was quieter than usual and was that scepticism in his look?  
A thousand scenarios ran through his head but there was no time, their shuttle was already waiting and the ride to the airport took only a few minutes.  
Walking through security, his head was filled not with the usual anxiety but with the dreaded thought of having to spend the next eight hours in a flight deck with the man who had just found out Martin's best-kept secret. With Douglas, who managed to make fun of any insecurity he could find about Martin. Douglas, who probably was his closest friend (despite all their 'banter'). 

Martin volunteered to inspect GERTI, just anything for a few more minutes of solitude. Oh god, he was probably already telling Carolyn, he thought. He inspected the aeroplane a second time, better safe than sorry (nice life, he thought to himself, but it doesn't change that you have to step back in there again).  
Of course, Carolyn complained about the time he waisted. "Sorry Carolyn, I thought there was a problem with the flaps and as the supreme commander-" Douglas groaned somewhere in the distance. "I need to inspect GERTI thoroughly for all our safety," he finished but couldn't stop thinking 'is my voice low enough? do they know? oh god, they do, don't they?"  
As soon as all the other checkups had been handled with professional brevity and ATC had given them their okay for start off, both Douglas and Martin sighed. Douglas had been suspiciously quiet about it all and he knew that that couldn't mean anything good. He was probably just pondering over how to address it. There was no coming back from it now. Martin knew the only way to gain control of it now was to start the conversation himself, as much as he hated that thought.  
"So.." he began. "Th-This morning you, hmm, you saw-" but the words just didn't want to come out properly. "Yes," Douglas supplied. "And I was rather surprised I must confess."  
Martin gulped. He couldn't tell what kind of tone Douglas was speaking with. Was he mocking? Disgusted? Angry? Martins' brain was too overloaded with possible emotions Douglas could be expressing right now to make up for not definitely knowing.  
"I didn't think you were allowed to fly like that," Douglas continued, now sounding definitely more worried.. or was it confused? Disgusted? Martin bit on his lip. "Why would that be?" his voice came out in a slow and calm manner as he felt tears building up in his eyes. He swallowed them down, he couldn't afford to cry now. He had to be a professional. But how could he be when he knew where this was leading, he had gone through countless arguments with his family when he came out for the first time. Mentally, Martin was already trying to make peace with losing his friends and his job, thoughts spiralling out of control. It was over, he had tried so hard, but it was over. Douglas would say some awfully bigotted things, he would tell Carolyn and she would fire him. Either out of bigotry or because he lied to her. And if she didn't, he'd have to resign. And oh god would any other company even take him?  
Martin wasn't so sure if Arthur even knew what transgender meant and he might not be awfully worried about it but what if he was? What if that was the one thing positive-about-everything Arthur couldn't handle? Or would he be angry he lied to him (you didn't lie, Martin, you just didn't say the entire truth, Martin). And in the second it took Douglas to answer, all these thoughts and even more ran through his head and he almost forgot he had to fly a plane at the same time and also breathe.  
"Well I have never met a pilot like you but I am guessing it can't be risk-free," Douglas said as nonchalantly but still tipping around the topic. "I don't quite-" "Well I do understand now why you always were so weary of the TSA scans and random checks." Martin didn't answer and let Douglas just talk further, fearing where this would lead. "I am not as confident as you with the rulebook and the conditions of becoming a pilot, but I am guessing that I have to tell Carolyn about it, and then she'll have to look into all of this. Good Lord, Martin, I know you love flying but with a disorder such as this? What if it fails?"  
First, there was anger: "Disorder?! It is not a-" And then there was confusion. "What do you mean with fails?"  
And then something clicked.  
"The Pacemaker, that's what this is, isn't it?"  
Martin froze. "Oh..." Oh no. Douglas hadn't known. Or at least not correctly. Oh god, now he had to say it. Out loud. And explain it.  
"It's not." "Other kind of implant then? Transplant? Lungs?"  
Martin weighed his options. If he didn't tell the truth now he would assume he had some kind of heart disorder and he would lose his job. If he told Douglas now... who knew where this would lead? Would he react the same way? Worse? But Martin knew he couldn't get out of it now.  
"No.. the scars are from where my breasts were." Martin cringed while saying this and sunk into his seat. He hadn't phrased this very elegantly, he realised, but when did he ever.  
"But Martin, don't tell me you had plastic surgery done to get rid of some fat around the middle, I didn't think you were one of those people."  
Martin regained his composure reluctantly and sighed. "No Douglas, I mean this is where my _breasts_ were."  
Martin looked over to Douglas, biting his lip again and waiting for the penny to drop. Douglas was usually the one who would need no explanations, who would get everything before Martin got it and would already have three snarky comebacks prepared.  
"Ohhh," Douglas said. "What you are telling me is that-" "I am transgender, yes," Martin ended the sentence for him. Leaving at least some dignity for him in this mess of a coming out.  
"Well I am still certainly surprised but I must confess to be very relieved it is not a pacemaker."  
Martin chuckled with relief: "I thought you had a background in medicine, how did you think a scar from a heart operation would be on both breasts and below the heart?" "Well, as I had previously explained I chose medicine not for the subject but for _other reasons_. As it turned out, I was not very good at it, hence, pilot. "  
Was he dreaming or was Douglas blushing a little? And admitting he wasn't perfect at everything?  
"It does still explain an awful lot. Like your fear of the TSA and being randomly checked. And sharing rooms. And your height-" "Can you please not list every single one of my insecurities after I just told you my deepest and most intimate secret?" he said, his voice being a little bit more on edge than usually already.  
"Sorry," Douglas said on one of those seldom situations where he apologized and seemed to mean it.  
"This must have been very stressful for you." "It was." "And I caused you much anxiety." "You did." "But don't you think just because you're transgender I will stop teasing you every once in a while." For Douglas every once in a while meant every day but Martin was too much impressed by Douglas' apology to point that out. "But I might give you a free pass for a few hours to signal my acceptance towards you." "Why thank you, Douglas, where did all of this come from?!" "Carolyn sent me to that course in Ipswich." "Ah." 

There was a comfortable silence for a few minutes before Douglas turned to Martin:" Do Carolyn and Arthur know?"  
Martin shook his head. "Do you..plan on telling them? You know I can keep a secret, but I thought maybe it is just fair to let them know too."  
Martin sighed: "As annoying as that is right now, you're right. I just need to find a way to tell them. You do realise this could mean the end of my career?" Douglas scoffed. "Which career? Icarus removals?" "You know what I mean!" "I do not think Arthur will mind or indeed understand the issue and Carolyn is glad to have a second pilot and as long as there are no extra costs for her I don't think she even cares. "  
And Martin knew he was right but still his anxiety would not shut up. He tried to mute the little voice of fear in his head as long as possible. Martin and Douglas changed the topic to a couple of stupid games, all of which Martin of course lost.  
Before landing, he made a quick announcement: "Hey...guys... would you please stay in a few more minutes? There's something I need to tell you?" Martin's voice rose higher and higher with every word and he hated it, hated his insecurity. Carolyn complained a few times, something about having better things to do, but Martin knew she would stay.  
The landing was smooth (mainly because Douglas did it, Martin's hands were too shaky) and when Martin stepped out of the flight deck Arthur was looking at him with his optimistic smile and Carolyn looked like she would torture him for every second he'd prolong their wait, tapping her finger expectantly on the seat in front of her.  
Douglas stepped next to him and patted him on the shoulder once. "I'm here Martin," he said in his most comforting tone.  
"So, uhm, I-I have something to tell you all, a-and I'm sorry I didn't say it earlier and I assure you I meant no harm and-" "What the Captain is trying to say iiiss:" Douglas prompted to get Martin to the point.  
"I'm transgender."  
Arthur's mouth opened in confusion but his expression quickly changed back to an optimistic smile:" So you're really a woman skip that's brilliant!"  
Martin stammered. "No Arthur, I'm a man. I have always been one deep down and I just had to- had to- had to change a little so I would match how I felt." That was the best he could put it right now and his palms were sweaty and he could not stop shaking a little and oh god.  
"Oh but I saw on television the other night that there was this man, well he was actually a woman in the end, but he said he was a woman and then she was. It was very confusing for me at first but she said she was a woman and that's transgender and I think I got it now? Will you get the long hair skip? Oh, can I still call you skip?"  
Martin smiled, Arthur was, as usual, on the great blurry line of accidentally genius but so besides the point.  
"I think there's a misunderstanding here," Douglas intervened. "Do you want to continue or should I have a try?" "Oh no, I can handle it. See, Arthur, you got it the other way around. I am a man now. I was born as a woman."  
It wasn't factually correct for him, but with Arthur sometimes you had to say things the easy way, even if that meant temporarily throwing gender and identity politics out of the window. And as long as he got the point across to Arthur did it really matter?  
"Brilliant skip! I had no idea! So everything stays as it is? Because the man, well the woman on tv, well she changed the words around so she was called 'she' and stuff. But if you're a man now and staying a man I don't think I have to do that, do I?" "No Arthur, everything stays as it is." "Okey-dokey skip that's Brilliant."  
A second went by where everything felt well and good and that ended when Maritn realised Carolyn had been entirely silent during that whole conversation.  
"That seems to be it, everyone can leave now and I will take care of GERTI." Martin turned around and walked straight into the flight deck to wait for everyone to leave. A wave of emotion rolled over him. Pride, happiness, the leftover anxiety for some weird reason, adrenaline, and fear of what Carolyn would say the next time they'd see each other. 

When Marin completed all the checks inside the flight deck he stepped out just to find Carolyn still there. He jumped a little and had to try his best to override his flight reflex.  
Martin coughed out of surprise and mumbled an 'everything checked', not able to look into her direction.  
"You know Martin I wondered when you would finally tell us," She said with her sheepish smile. "YOu KnEW?!"  
Carolyn scoffed: "In contrast to our all-so-wise first officer yes I knew. Do not worry, you are passing very well and you should have no fear of being involuntarily outed by anyone, but nothing escapes me. Also, rest assured that I will try to explain to Arthur that this is a private matter, he won't tell anyone. Well unless anyone right out asks because my boy cannot tell a lie to save his life."  
Martin released a breath he did not know he was holding. "Why didn't you say anything?" "Well, I wanted to see when you finally build up the courage to do it yourself. Takes the fun out of it otherwise. Now complete your work and then take your rest. Tomorrow we have a passenger flight to Berlin."  
And so it went on as normal. Arthur would sometimes ask some questions, some more appropriate than others, and Martin would answer them if he felt like it. Douglas would tease him as usual (but he teased him less about his height now and when he got randomly selected at the airport he always checked on Martin afterwards). Carolyn would continue to be the dragon she always had been and both Douglas and Martin feared and loved her for it.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it!  
> Please tell me if I have accidentally said something offensive or iffy, as I am not really trans myself (I'm gender-questioning) and can only write from what I know from research and talking with friends.  
> As for Douglas, I know it is basically canon that he's knowledgable and proficient at everything but I really liked the thought of his one weakness being medical knowledge. And I do love miscommunication and misunderstandings.  
> Kudos and comments are greatly appreciated, criticism as well as long as constructive and respectful, I am doing this for fun after all.


End file.
